OT: Should you play at your own wedding reception?

[Ritchie333]

I play in a 9-piece soul function band, which does regular wedding and party gigs. For example, we've got two weddings this weekend, and numerous others scattered throughout the summer. I've also got engaged recently and we're planning our wedding for next summer. I think it's pretty much non-negotiable (both from myself and my fiancee) that we want the band to play there.

I was trying to find if anyone had blogged or written about playing in your own wedding band at your own wedding, but there doesn't seem to be anything. While I'd personally love to just play music on my Nord Stage all night, a wedding is about US and not ME so that can't be a given. I've got a get-out, which is that the guitarist can also play keyboards (he's a Nord fan and loves my Stage!), and another good friend of mine plays guitar in another function band - and they've played in this configuration occasionally when I've been on holiday and can't do a gig. This means we've got the option of me playing as much or as little as circumstances allow.

Has anybody else done this? Did it work out well or did your new partner and half the guests get fed up of you insisting on doing that 20-minute keyboard solo on an obscure prog track?

[cgrafx]

You are going to be busy with lots of other duties and it would generally be a pretty big breach of etiquette to duck out and just be band mate. If you want to play on one or two songs that would be fine, but I would not do more than that.

[Rusty Mike]

Strictly from a self-preservation standpoint, playing full time at your own reception is a very, very bad idea

At my wedding (in 1986), I sat in on two tunes and that was it. One was a serenade to my new bride, so it was about US and not ME. It bought me some equity to play a second song. Then off the stage.

My regular big band played my son's wedding in 2016. They got a sub for me, and I played only two songs. I first did a little speech for my son and his wife and to talk about the quality and pedigree of the band members (all of whom are better musicians than your truly). The first song was in honor of the Bride and Groom. It bought me some equity to play a second song. Then off the stage.

The choice is ultimately yours. My own perspective is that my wife will be here long after my band mates have faded into the dust. She gets priority. The music will be there.

Just my tuppence worth.

[Ritchie333]

The choice is ultimately yours. My own perspective is that my wife will be here long after my band mates have faded into the dust. She gets priority. The music will be there.

I hear what you're saying. However, in my case the band members are also friends of us both - we went on holiday together with three of them last year, and I've known two of them for almost 20 years. Still, having the ability to have the band there without requiring me to actually be part of it seems to be the best compromise. I suspect after everyone's had a few drinks I might be asked to get up on stage and play a few numbers, but we can just play it by ear on the day.

One of the gigs this weekend is featuring the bride singing and the groom playing guitar for one song while we back them up.

[FZiegler]

We prepared a little music to be played by everyone wanting to assist and bringing their instrument during the afternoon of our wedding (was announced). That was OK for 10 or 15 minutes but already excluded part of the guests as it was mostly fun to the musicians.

Besides, I second those who say you shouldn't do more than one or two short songs. Doesn't have much to do with the band being friends with one or both of you. That's what I think about it.

[Winds]

You need to be clear whether it's absolutely essential that you have to play. Personally, for me it would be more advisable if you sit it out, unless the flow of your event allows you to play a song or two. I personally didn't join my band when they played for my wedding and it went out fine, I had a sub for me, so it didn't matter if I joined or not.

For me if you can get a reliable sub then your band can just work out the setlist where the sub and the band is comfortable with. If you do insist to play, then make sure it's not overkill like you wanting to play full time for your event. I agree with the rest, at least one should be ok but no more than two songs at your disposal.

[analogika]

We booked our favourite local funk band — most of them our friends, and some of them colleagues in other projects I play in.

I’ve subbed with them a couple of times, so we made the deal that I would play on two or three of my favourite songs later in the evening if I felt like it. I did. It was a splendid time.

[nursers]

Keen to hear how this turned out My daughter is about to get married and I tried to convince her to let my band play. A firm no was received.

[Spider]

While I'd personally love to just play music on my Nord Stage all night, a wedding is about US and not ME

The wedding (meaning the act itself, papers, signatures, rings, "I DO" etc) is about you two.
The reception and party is about everybody else. You are, in all honesty, the least important part. At least, that's how weddings usually turn out here in Italy.
You have to talk to everybody, greet, make some small speeches, receive gifts, take photos with everybody, walk around the tables, make sure everybody is enjoying, dancing, etc etc. As others have said, maybe you could find the time for one (at the very maximum two) very special song dedicated to your wife, but surely not for shouting and dancing onstage for hours like it was a regular gig.
That would be extremely embarassing for everyone involved.

However, in my case the band members are also friends of us both - we went on holiday together with three of them last year, and I've known two of them for almost 20 years.

To me, this makes the situation even worse. Not only you would avoid your social duties on the reception, but you'd make some of your closest friends WORK on your wedding day?
Honestly, in this situation I would just book another band with no personal ties, so everyone is free to enjoy himself.
Incidentally, this was what I did at my wedding: not even for a second I thought of inviting my band or playing myself. I had planned to sing a couple songs for my wife, but by the time we were free from all the social chores, the dance was on and everybody was having too much fun to kill the vibe with a slow romantic song.

[cookie]

A bit off topic here, but I had the same questioning on my 40th birthday.
But from the start, I managed to get my band playing with a keyboard backup player, so I could really enjoy the party !
This is also fun to hear "almost" the same tunes played with a different keyboardist !

Fred